There are three reasons why lawyers are replacing rats as laboratory research animals.
One is that they are plentiful.  Another is that lab assistants don't get so attached to them.
The third is that they'll do things that you just can't get rats to do.

- Blanche Knott
 

A lawyer's relationship to justice and wisdom is on a par with a piano tuner's relationship to a concert.
He neither composes the music, nor interprets it - he merely keeps the machinery running.

- Lucille Kallen
 

A few I liked:

Source: joe-ks.com

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It's called, Sosumi.

The Lawyer's Point of View: This was taken from the Alameda County District Attorney's Office publication The Point of View

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist.

ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
CORONER: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart?
CORONER: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
CORONER: No.
ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
CORONER: Well, let me put it this way.  The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.  But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

A man goes to a lawyer and asks: "How much do you charge for legal advice?"
"A thousand dollars for three questions."
"Wow!  Isn’t that kind of expensive?"
"Perhaps.  And your third question?"

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.  "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said.  "I'll increase your income 5-fold.  Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have 4 months of vacation each year and live to be 100.  All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment.  "There must be a catch somewhere," he mused.

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.  "I'm very sorry, but Mr Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.  "Is Mr Smith there?" repeated the client.  The receptionist was perplexed.  "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr Smith there?" asked the client again.  "Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist.  "Mr Smith is dead."

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed.  "I just can't hear it often enough."

An attorney was painting his house, when a man approached asking if he could earn a few dollars.  The attorney thought about it for a minute, and said, "Sure, take a can of this paint, go around to the back of the house, and paint my porch."

An hour later the man returned, saying he was finished.  Surprised, the lawyer said, "Already?"

"Yes", the man said, "but it wasn't a Porch, it was a Mercedes!"

A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate.  He asked the man at the counter: "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"

The man replied, "Yes - but we haven't proved it yet."

[I read somewhere that lawyers are proud of the fact that they arouse such strong feelings.]

Preparing for his final address to the jury, the defense attorney realises that the jury will probably find his client guilty of a murder charge.  He decides to take a chance and as he stands to give his final address, he dramatically points to the door to the courtroom.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury," he begins, "I regret to say that this case has been a waste of your time.  For as we speak, private investigators hired by myself have been successful in tracking down the actual murderer in this case.  According to my second, they have been slowed by traffic in bring the murderer and the evidence to the courtroom, but will be here within a couple of minutes.  I beg your indulgence to allow me a couple of minutes rather than keep addressing you."

The courtroom waits for a minute, two, three, four, five.  Seeing that the judge is about to call on him, the defence attorney talks to his second, who walks out the door and returns shortly after.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury," he continues, "there will be no arrival of anyone.  I have no private investigators, no murderer to bring before you.  But I ask you to consider this: every one of you turned towards the door, every one of you awaited the return of my second.  How many of you can say that this does not prove that there is an element of doubt in your minds and that you must therefore adjudge my client not guilty?"

So saying, he sits down and the jury leaves the room.

Five minutes later, the jury returns.  The defense attorney is delighted, as no jury would return a guilty verdict on such a short discussion.

The foreman of the jury delivers his verdict: guilty.

The defense attorney is astounded.  "My lord, I must appeal that no jury could make a decision in such a short time and ask you to require them to consider the matter in more detail."

The judge gave the instruction for the prisoner to be taken down to await sentencing.  He turned back to the lawyer and explained, "I believe that the jury, like myself, noted that while they turned to the door, your client did not."

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.  He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.  "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along!  And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.  Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind.  Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.  You'll love my place.  The grass is almost a foot tall!"

A truck driver frequently travelled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road.  One day, he spotted a man walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride.  A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.  He veered his truck towards the lawyer, but remembered he already had a passenger.  He swerved back to the centre, but heard a "Whump!" and in the rear view mirror spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.

He turned to his passenger and said, "I was sure that I missed that lawyer!"

The man replied, "You did - I got him with the door."

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Only one in two million ever does anything worthwhile.

Any time a lawyer is seen but not heard, it’s a shame to wake him.

Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are “avocat” in French)
Both have hearts of stone.

A group of professional men had finished a day’s hunt and were relaxing around the fire.  Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby.  One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners: the musician’s dog was softly howling strains of Moonlight Sonata; the engineer’s dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust; the lawyer’s dog was screwing all the rest.

Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one; once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled; when they land, they ruin everything forever.

Source: nolo.com/humor

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