Advice is seldom welcome, and those who need it the most, like it the least.

- Lord Chesterfield
 

by H Jackson Brown Jr

	Accept a breath mint if someone offers you one.
	Love deeply and passionately.  You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
	Never drive while holding a cup of hot coffee between your knees.
	In disagreements, fight fairly.  No name calling.
	Eat a piece of chocolate to cure bad breath from onions or garlic.
	Never remind someone of a kindness or act of generosity you have shown him or her.  Bestow a favour and forget it.
	When you get really angry, stick your hands in your pockets.
	Accept the fact that regardless of how many times you're right, you will sometimes be wrong.
	Every once in a while ask yourself the question, If money weren't a consideration, what would I like to be doing?
	Never give anybody a fondue set or anything painted avocado green.
	Remember the 3 Rs: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
	Plant zucchini only if you have lots of friends.
	Take along a small gift for the host or hostess when you're a dinner guest.  A book is a good choice.
	Never be photographed with a cocktail glass in your hand.
	Don't marry a woman who picks at her food.
	Take off the convention badge as soon as you leave the convention hall.
	Write a short note inside the front cover when giving a book as a gift.
	Never give a gift that's not beautifully wrapped.
	Don't think expensive equipment will make up for a lack of talent or practice.
	Learn to say "I love you" in French, Italian, and Swedish.
	When you are totally exhausted but have to keep going, wash your face and hands and put on clean socks and a clean shirt.  You will feel remarkably refreshed.
	Life will sometimes hand you a magical moment.  Savour it.
	Don't confuse comfort with happiness.
	Check for toilet paper before sitting down.
	Marry a woman you love to talk to.  As you get older, her conversational skills will be as important as any other.
	Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
	Live a good, honourable life.  Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
	Purchase one piece of original art each year, even if it's just a small oil painting by a high school student.
	Keep your private thoughts private.
	Don't do business with anyone who has a history of suing people.
	Never say anything uncomplimentary about your wife or children in the presence of others.
	Apologise immediately when you lose your temper, especially to children.
	Get organised.  Know where you are headed.  But if something wonderful and unexpected comes along, be flexible enough to follow it.
	Remember that nothing important ever happens until someone takes a chance.
	Never pick up anything off the floor of a cab.
	In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation.  Don't bring up the past.
	Leave change where a child can find it.
	Share your knowledge.  It's a way to achieve immortality.
	When travelling the back roads, stop whenever you see a sign that reads "Honey for Sale."
	Don't outlive your money.
	When your dog dies, frame its collar and put it in a window facing west.
	Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
	Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
	Let some things remain mysterious.
	Never eat a sugared doughnut when wearing a dark suit.
	Keep and file the best business letters you receive.
	Hire people more for their judgement than for their talents.
	Love someone who doesn't deserve it.
	Regardless of the situation, react with class.

Source: Life's Little Instruction Book Volume II

For Your (Furry) Best Friend

by David Brawn

	Don't eat hot food, yellow snow, toffees, peanut, butter, or wasps (flies are okay).
	Don't drink seawater, fizzy drinks, or out of the toilet.
	Don't get fat.
	Don't go to sleep on ants' nests.
	Don't chase sheep unless you're qualified.
	Don't pee on houseplants or wet yourself when having your tummy tickled.
	Don't try to catch a ball that's small enough to swallow
	Don't countenance incest.
	Don't be embarrassed about showing off your private parts.
	Don't whine.
	Be inquisitive.
	Control your jealousy.
	Be someone's hero.
	Wear your collar and tag with pride.
	Stay indoors for fireworks.
	Take your owners for walks (never let a little rain dissuade you!).
	Push your nose under someone's elbow if you want attention.
	Stick your head out the window (or preferably the sunroof) of a fast-moving car.
	Keep your tail away from young children and down when it's cold and windy.
	Chase frisbees but not boomerangs.
	Learn to find your own way home.
	When you get old, learn some new tricks.
	Learn to say "Sorry" and to shake hands.
	Learn to unwrap your own presents.
	Lie down in front of the fire - but not too close.

Source: A Dog's Little Instruction Book

FAQ for Dogs

by Neahmiah Scudder

1. Who's a good boy?

2. Who's got a fluffy tail?

3. What's in your tail?

4. What do you have?

5. What's in your mouth?

6. Where did you get that?

7. Where is the rest of that?

8. Where's your mom?

Source: mcsweeneys.net

The Secrets of Life

Source: joe-ks.com

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