Email from Hell


Reply At Your Own Risk

The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail,
and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers.

- Jamais Cascio

Subject: Bummer Mail address at
Date: Wed 8 July 1998 16:14:55 -0700
From: " Mailbounce" <mailbummer@globenet\>
References: 1

================ B-E   A-D-V-I-S-E-D ==============

**Cease And Desist From Further Mailing To This Domain Name**


This is an automated response due to one of the following:

  1. You have sent e-mail to an invalid or unauthorised address.  If this has been a legitimate mistake, please be careful about what you are doing because it wastes bandwidth and can take up other people's time unnecessarily.  Would you carelessly deposit your paycheck to someone else's account?
  2. Someone forged a bogus e-mail address at the above domain name and illegally subscribed to your mailing list, newsletter service or downloaded software from your website without the guts to use their own e-mail address.  DELETE any further mailings or references to the forged address at this domain.
  3. A gutless wimp has posted some crap to a newsgroup illegally using a bogus address involving the above domain name.
  4. You may have been "spammed" by one of several net psychos who have illegally forged the domain name.
  5. ISPs: A net psycho illegally forged a bogus address at the above domain name and attempted delivery to an invalid address on your system, creating a bounce.

In addition to ongoing investigations, reports have been filed with the FBI and other law enforcement agencies.  Unfortunately, your e-mail address and related mail are being archived automatically in files for possible use in the investigations to apprehend the criminal offenders.

**Cease And Desist From Further Mailing To This Domain Name**

Original E-mail:

I saw your ad on the Internet.  I have a few questions:

  1. There is only one toilet?
  2. What is a "kent fire"?
  3. What is your asking price?
  4. Any chance you might be interested in a trade?  Or is there a note on the property?

It sounds lovely!

Ruth Hatch

And This Is Mail from Hell...

An Object in Motion...

This story was related to me yesterday at lunch by a fellow manager, who heard it from his dad (guaranteed true) - phenomenal testimony that physics shall not be denied, with some small humour value as well...

This story involves railroad cars, Denver and a fascinating gadget used in auto wrecking yards called a "chipper."  Apparently this device is fed old auto carcasses, and it in turn produces manageable-sized "chips" of metal.  Seems that on this eventful evening, a gondola car was filled by a chipper and headed out of Denver around dusk.  Somewhere along the track, on an uphill grade, something mechanical failed on the car, and the train pulled to a siding to uncouple it.  The dutiful crew chocked the wheels with rocks, wood chunks, et cetera and then proceeded to unhook the car.

Seems no one had the slightest idea of the mass being packed in that unit, as the rocks/wood held it in place for about 6 seconds.  Since the crew had not yet re-switched the tracks (they thought the rest of the train would be returning to the main line) the gondola car soon found itself back on the main trackline, heading back into Denver.

The engineer sprinted to the engine and full-throttled the thing after the car.  After several minutes he still didn't even have a visual on it, so he radioed the situation that this car was cranking toward town and no one knew exactly where it was.  The station crews immediately calculated the correct combination of switches to route this car on the straightest course thru Denver, the rail yard, and out the other side, then remotely downed every crossing gate they could, followed by dispatching crews, cops and civil servants to down the rest of the crossing arms manually and staff the intersections.

Several witnesses testified that the gondola car passed their locations at between 85 and 90 miles per hour.

Whilst traversing the rail yard, the car was forced to execute a slight left-hand curve in the track on its way out of Denver.  The "post mortem" revealed that the curved section of track was "stretched" and displaced almost 8 feet to the right by the weight of the car.  Immediately upon leaving the yard, two of the fastest engines they had were dispatched, full-throttle, in hot pursuit of the errant gondola car.  Since dusk had now turned into evening, no one could get a visual on the car, but it did proceed out of Denver until it hit yet another uphill grade, at which time the pendulum effect took over...

The drivers of the engines (serially-coupled) suddenly saw a dark blob approaching them on the track.  They tried to stop their engines so they could put them into reverse, but could see after a few seconds that they were not going to be able to gain any ground on this car, so they jumped from their cabs.

One of them, looking back at the impact, noted that, although the mass of the two engines was sufficient to stop the car, the front coupling assembly of the lead engine was obliterated, and the front engine was "lifted in place and set back down" by the impact.

Source: From the rec.humor.funny joke archives


Stay that way!

In a Laundromat:  Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove your clothes when the light goes out.
In a Department Store:
  Bargain Basement - Upstairs
In an English Office:
  After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
Outside a New English Town Hall which Was to Be Opened by the Queen:
  The Town Hall is closed until opening.  It will remain closed after being opened.  Open tomorrow.
Outside a Disco:
  "Smart's" is the most exclusive disco in town.  Everybody welcome!
Seen During a Conference:
  For anyone who has children and doesn't know, there is a day care on the first floor.
In a Field:
  The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
In a Toilet:
  Toilet out of order.  Please use floor below.

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