Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

- George Eliot
 

A man bought a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.  This meant he had $560 monthly payments for a number of years.  He and a friend went duck hunting in winter.  Of course, all the lakes were frozen.  The two men went out on a large lake with guns, a dog, and the new vehicle.  They drove out onto the lake ice to get ready.  They wanted to make a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.  In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, they needed something more than an ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Navigator, the owner took a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.  The men took into consideration that they wanted to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they were standing (and far from the new Navigator), because they didn't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they ran from the burning fuse (and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast).

They lit the 40-second fuse and threw the dynamite.  Unfortunately, the dog was a highly-trained Black Lab used for, well, retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner.  The dog took off over the ice and captured the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse.  The two men yelled and waved their arms.  The dog kept coming.  One of the men grabbed the shotgun and shot the dog.  The shotgun was loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a dog of that size.  The dog stopped for a moment, confused, but continued on.  Another shot and the dog, still standing, became really confused and terrified.  He took off to find cover under the vehicle.

The resulting explosion annihilated the dog and sank the vehicle to the bottom of the lake.  The insurance company said that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives was not covered.  The owner had yet to make the first monthly payment.

Don't worry - Snopes says it didn't really happen...

Do You Think He Confused It with a $3 Bill?

The following is a true story.  It amused me while it was happening.  I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat.  In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill.  That is all of the cash I have on my person.  I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at having to change a big bill.

ME:  "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
IT:   "Is that it?"
ME:  "Yep."
IT:   "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME:  "No, it's to go.  [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill.  He looks at it kind of funny and

IT:   "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot.  The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT:   "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MG:  "No.  A what?"
IT:    "A $2 bill.  This guy just gave it to me."
MG:  "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."
IT:   "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says

IT:   "We don't take these.  Do you have anything else?"
ME:  "Just this fifty.  You don't take $2 bills?  Why?"
IT:   "I don't know."
ME:  "See here where it says legal tender?"
IT:   "Yeah."
ME:  "So, shouldn't you take it?"
IT:   "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and

IT:   "He says I have to take it."
MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
IT:   "Yeah, a fifty.  I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE."  [my emphasis]
IT:   "What should I do?"
MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
IT:   "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MG: "Just tell him."
IT:   "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says

MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night."  [It was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: "Well, here's a two."
MG: "We don't take those either."
ME: "Why the hell not?"
MG: "I think you know why."
ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "Excuse me?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "What the hell for?"
MG: "Please, sir."
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG: "Would you please just leave?"
ME: "No."
MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner.  I have two people STARING at me from the dining area,
and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.  A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]

SG:  "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG:  "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG:  "Really?  What?"
MG:  "Get this, a two dollar bill."
SG:  "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?"  [incredulous]
MG:  "I don't know?  He's kinda weird.  Says the only other thing he has is a fifty."
SG:  "So, the fifty's fake?"
MG:  "NO, the $2 is."
SG:  "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG:  "I don't know.  Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG:   "Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says

SG:  "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
ME:  "Uh, no."
SG:  "Lemme see 'em."
ME:  "Why?"
SG:  "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said

ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him.  He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says

SG:  "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MG:  "It's fake."
SG:  "It doesn't look fake to me."
MG:  "But it's a $2 bill."
SG:  "Yeah?"
MG:  "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too.  Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.  If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail.  At least you get free food.

Source: comcen.com.au

Loch Ness Monster

by Darwin

California - On Lake Isabella (high desert east of Bakersfield) a woman was having trouble with her boat.  No matter how she tried, she couldn't get her new 22-foot Bayliner to perform.  It was sluggish in every manoeuver, regardless of the power applied.  She tried for an hour to make the boat go, but finally gave up and putted over to a nearby Marina for help.

A topside check revealed that everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outboard motor pivoted up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.  One of the Marina guys jumped in the water to check beneath the boat.  He came up almost choking on water due to laughter.  Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Source: darwinawards.com 1999 Honorable Mention (unconfirmed)

Super Bowl Sting

They expected to pick up tickets to the Super Bowl.  Instead, they got a trip to jail.  Seventy people wanted on outstanding warrants showed up Friday at a hotel ballroom in New Port Richey, Florida after receiving letters telling them they had won tickets to the 27 January Super Bowl in nearby Tampa.  The suspects arrived to find snacks, beverages, dancing girls, a disc jockey and finally the people who staged the whole party - Pasco County sheriff's detectives.

One of the fans came from Virginia, another from Georgia.  A California fugitive sent his brother and his drivers licence to claim the tickets.  When the brother told deputies he was not the wanted man, he was arrested on a felony charge of presenting a false driver's licence.

Those arrested were booked on 154 felony and misdemeanor charges, including escape, burglary, grand theft, battery, assault, failure to pay child support, drug possession, bad cheque and drunken driving.  Bails on the more serious charges were as much as $50,000.

Other law enforcement agencies have used the trick in the past, but the Super Bowl Sting marked the 1st time it was used in Pasco County.

Source: The Charlotte Observer Sunday 13 January 1991

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