A male gynæcologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

- Carrie P Snow
 

Edward Kienholz "The Birthday" 1964 Source: noskoff.lib.ru

by Nigel Hawkes

A third of American gynæcologists express dissatisfaction with their sex lives - the highest of all the medical specialties - according to a survey by Medical Economics magazine.  By contrast, only 19% of radioiogists have any complaints and, overall, 75% of the 2000 doctors surveyed say their sex lives (with a median frequency of intercourse of 5 times a month) are fine.

Gynæcologists are rather less happy than the rest, a British gynæcologist suggests, because their work brings them into an all-too-intimate proximity to women every day.  "It's not the same for all of them but it can affect quite a few.  It's one of those unspoken problems with the business.  The women in our lives do need to be very understanding.  It's not that we don't like sex, it's just that we see things differently from most men.  Some men are into foot fetishes but I bet there are not many chiropodists who feel that way, and that is for the same reason, I would guess.  It's like being a kid working in a sweet shop.

"Of course it's not like we always see perfectly healthy bits.  A lot of the time it is older women who are sometimes suffering from particularly nasty ailments.  That can be enough to put you off sex, and I think that is the reason why most people in my specialty are loath to get too involved with women.  You see so many vaginas during a normal course of a working day that when we leave work, we just want to have a rest from them."

The 47-year-old single medic, from East Sussex, adds: "I suppose it's a bit like a porn star.  You work with naked women all the time so there is no thrill in seeing yet another one.  We can find love, obviously, but it is hard."

One psychologist interviewed said, "This job has a sort of built-in aversion therapy.  Someone who works with the very serious side of sexual organs can find they build up an aversion to them.  It is not a pleasant topic and as such, can affect your sexual appetite.  When I was recently talking among my doctor friends and colleagues, we decided that looking closely at other people's private parts is not what you always want to do first thing Monday morning."

The magazine concludes: "Medical students who already have a lousy time with the opposite sex would be well advised to stay away from the profession of gynæcology."

The study also found that ophthalmologists are the doctors most likely to be unfaithful, with 18% admitting to having had at least one affair.  More than a third of doctors who have affairs do so with nurses; 9% with another doctor, and 7% with patients.  Overall, American doctors seem happy and well-adjusted.  Of those who replied (out of 10,000 asked), 86% were married for an average 20 years, and 93% rated their marriages as terrific or good. - The Times

Source: The Dominion Monday 4 December 2000

What If the Gynæcologist Were Female?

My Wife, the Doctor

by Marc Jaffee

There is a percentage of patients who seem to have garnered a degree in pharmacology without actually attending any formal school.  They walk in and simply tell the doctor that they need this drug or that drug.  These patients are known as relatives.  My parents, her sisters, everyone, thinks it's great that they have a doctor for a relative.  Get sick, call Karen for antibiotics.  She will protest that what they have will not be cured by antibiotics, that it's viral and by taking antibiotics they are helping to promote drug-resistant bacteria.  Her protests have little effect, and when it comes to choosing between a pissed-off father-in-law and the eventual fate of mankind... well, let's just say the world is a little less safe because of it.

It's not just drugs that are sought by her friends and relatives.  It's doctor's notes too.  Excuses for missing school, work or, most importantly, airplane flights when there is a nonrefundable ticket involved.  Karen tries to avoid doing that for my father by mumbling something about mandatory jail terms for those caught and suggesting that a sharp airline employee might just question why a man needed emergency fibroid surgery.

I am guilty of abusing her professional standing as well.  I don't ask for things.  I simply offer her services.  Whenever friends from out of town call to let me know that they are pregnant, I tell them that they are welcome to call Karen anytime with questions.  She cringes when she hears this.  For some ethical reason she doesn't like giving advice to patients she's never met.  I figure I'm just being neighbourly.  It's the medical equivalent of "Let's do "lunch."  I never really expect anyone to actually call and have lunch.

Well, some people do call.  They never want to bother Karen, but their doctor is "unavailable" for a couple of days.  What doctor is unavailable?  There are pagers and cell phones and backups when the doctor is on vacation.  I've never known a practice not to have some contact person every minute of the year, but apparently those practices exist.  A patient calls and gets a recording saying, "The doctor isn't here, I hope you have a friend who's a gynæcologist."

I suspect that what they are really calling for is a second opinion.  Trust me on this: Nothing good can come from a second opinion.  If Karen agrees with her doctor, then everything is hunky dory - except that our friend is stuck with the original bad news.  On the other hand, if she gives a different diagnosis, what does our friend do?  See which doctor went to the more prestigious med school?  Get a third bid and take the middle one?  Have Karen and her regular doctor duke it out?  Somehow my "let's do lunch" leads to opening a can of worms, and that's not a culinary experience I enjoy.  From now on I'll try to keep my mouth shut.

I'm not the only one guilty of volunteering Karen's services, sometimes I see her doing pro bono work for her friends.  Like the time she circumcised our neighbour's baby.  The baby was adopted from out of town and came home unexpectedly uncircumcised.  Since the baby was not a patient at the local hospital, a simple request to have the baby circumcised led to a whole hospital bureaucratic mess and confusion as to whether an obstetrician or urologist would do the surgery.  When the neighbours explained the predicament to Karen, she offered to do it at their house.  On the kitchen counter.  With their cutlery.  You won't see that advertised as one of the many uses for the Ginsu knife.  Actually, Karen borrowed the hospital equipment for the procedure, but it was still quite odd.  I'm Jewish, so I've seen plenty of circumcisions done in the home.  You might think that I wouldn't have found this circum... stance unusual.  But a circumcision in someone's home with no bagels and cream cheese anywhere?  Surreal.

A circumcision is at least, or should I say at most, a one-time event.  Unlike the recurrent badgering Karen is subjected to by friends and relatives seeking birth control pills.  This is the most common thing anyone calls for.  Especially on the weekend.  Men don't realise this, but women, in conjunction with their doctors, have decided, en masse, that they will take their birth control pills so that their period comes during the week, thus leaving their weekend unfettered.

There are some exceptions to this weekend rule.  Women will adjust taking their pill to avoid having their period on vacations or on their wedding night, or for a husband's return from a business trip or for when a husband goes away on a business trip.  Whatever suits their needs.  In general, however, pill packs run out on Saturday.

That means that the weekend is when every on-call OB/GYN in America is pestered by women who want to have sex and just realised that they have no more birth control pills.  This is the bane of an OB/GYN's existence.  Some doctors instruct their answering service that they will not call in prescriptions for birth control pills on the weekend.  Others continue to do it and simply curse the patients for not noticing on day 26 that, "Gosh! there are only two more pills in that pack."  Karen is of the latter.  She figures it's all part of the job.  And besides, half the people who call are related.

Reprinted by permission from Sleeping With Your Gynæcologist - Tales from My Marriage to an OB/GYN which is available on amazon.com or bn.com or at a bookstore near you for US$12.95.

Source: Funny Times January 2001

Okay.  I know the following joke isn't very funny - but it's one of the few on the subject I could find that wasn't dirty...

Visit to the Gynæcologist

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynæcologist.  "Come now," said the Doctor, "You've been seeing me for years!  There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange ..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the Doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"Yesterday afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh."

"Last night," she went on," there were dimes and this morning there were quarters!  You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynæcologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.  "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about ...  You're simply going through the change."

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