Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

- Anonymous
 

From Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book Vol 4:

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in Heaven.  They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor in my time and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say, 'Look!  He's moving!!'"

Source: Funny Times November 1999

Location, Location

I went to the store the other day.  I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.  So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket, so I called him a pencil-necked nazi.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!  So I called him a piece of horsecrap.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.  Then he started writing a third ticket!  This went on for about 5 minutes - the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

But I didn't care.  My car was parked around the corner.

Source: Funny Times October 2002 from "Planet Proctor" compiled by Phil Proctor

A Really Bad Day

A sad-looking man sat at the bar in a crowded tavern.  A drink sat on the bar in front of him, but he did not take a sip.  Instead, he merely sat staring at the drink.  He stayed like that for half an hour.

A beefy truck driver walked in, stepped up to the bar next to him, and waited impatiently to be served.  When the bartender didn't appear, the truck driver looked over at the sad man's drink for a minute or two.  Then he reached over, picked up the drink, and downed it in one gulp.  The man sad looked up at him in shock and began to cry.

The truck driver, taken aback, felt contrite.  Apparently this man had had a very bad day.  He said, "Come on man, I was just joking.  I'll buy you another drink.  Just stop whining.  I can't stand to see a grown man cry."

"It's not that," the sad man replied.  "This day is the worst day of my life.  First, I overslept and got to my office late.  My boss, outraged, fired me.  When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it had been stolen.  The police said that they could do little or nothing.  I got a cab to return home and when it drove away, I realised that I had left my wallet and credit cards on the back seat.  I went inside and find my wife in bed with my brother, so I left home and came to this bar.  I was just thinking about putting an end to my life - when you showed up and drank my poison..."

Ingrate

Source: Funny Times November 2001

A Morality Tale

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other Christian.  The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.  Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I were a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."  Just then a mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!" and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.  Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark.  All his old friends simply swam away whenever he came close to them.  Justin realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.  While out swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and couldn't believe his luck - he figured the fish could change him back into a prawn.  He begged the cod to change him back, so - lo and behold - he became a prawn again.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.  (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's worse.)

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal but he wasn't there.  "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.  As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.  He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin - your old friend!  Come out and see me again!"

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me.  You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not.  That was the old me. I've changed!"  (Wait for it...)

...."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

This Is Wild

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park.  The park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free.  To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure.  Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.

They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name.  So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?"  One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom.  The planners loved it and the rest is history.  What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name.  He was using an acronym which was popular at the time.  It stood for "Who Gives A Shit Anyhow?"

Source: Funny Times

This Is Also Wild

Source: joe-ks.com; Calvin is, of course, a product of the brilliant mind of Bill Watterson

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