You can lead a horticulture but you cannot make her think.

- Dorothy Parker
 

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
The other blonde replies, "You are on the other side!"
 

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble.  Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits.  She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.  She begins to pray.  "God, please help me.  I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.  Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Brandi again prays, "God, please let me win the Lotto!  I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well!"  But Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

One again Brandi prays.  "My God, why have you forsaken me?  I've lost my business, my house and my car.  My children are starving.  I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.  PLEASE let me win the Lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order!"  Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this.  Buy a ticket."

Source: Anderson Valley Advertiser 5 April 2000

Because She's Blonde

Smart Blonde

A middle-aged lawyer and an attractive blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from New York to London.  The blonde is trying to get a little sleep, while the lawyer is vainly attempting to impress the blonde with his wit and intelligence.  The blonde ignores the lawyer until he suggests a little wager.

Lawyer: Would you like to play a game?  I’ll first ask you a question.  If you can’t answer it, using any means at your disposal, you give me $5.  Then if I can’t answer one of your questions, I’ll give you $500.

Blonde: Sure, why not?

Lawyer: Great.  What’s the circumference of the earth?

Blonde: (quietly hands him $5 from her purse) Okay, my turn.  What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down the hill with four?

The lawyer is stumped.  He starts jotting down ideas, searches the net via the plane’s in-seat phone, then finally calls up a few friends, all without luck.  After over an hour, he finally wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.  She thanks him for the money and closes her eyes, but the lawyer can’t contain himself.

Lawyer: “Wait!  You’ve got to tell me, what was the answer???”

Without a word, she reaches into her purse and hands him another $5, then goes back to asleep.

Blondes Are-Not-So-Dumb Convention

80,000 Blondes gathered at Wembley Stadium for a "Blondes-Are-Not-So-Dumb" convention.  The master of ceremonies says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not so dumb.  Can I have a volunteer?"  One pretty little blonde steps up, so the master of ceremonies asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"  After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "18."  Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.  Then 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The master of ceremonies says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here along with media from all over the world, I guess we can give her another chance."  So, asks her, "What is 5 plus 5?"  After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "90."

The master of ceremonies sighs.  Everyone is crestfallen and the blonde starts crying.  Again, the 80,000 girls start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."  Unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, the master of ceremonies finally says, "Okay!  One more chance.  What is 2 plus 2?"  After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "4."

The stadium of 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

Capital Blondes

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.  Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong!  Why don't you learn all the provincial capitals or something?"  The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her.  She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde.  In fact, I can name ALL the provincial capitals!"  The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her.  He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Ontario?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's "O"!"

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess.  The route they were flying had a layover in another city.  Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.  The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.  He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.  She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.  "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only 3 doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'".

She Failed Anatomy...

I don't really think about anything too much.  I live in the present.  I move on.
I don't think about what happened yesterday.  If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out.

- Pamela Anderson
 

Source: The web

First Class Blonde

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.  The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.  She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy and that she will have to sit in the back.  The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.  The copilot goes back to the explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.  The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "I'll handle this.  I'm married to a blonde.  I have learned to speak 'blonde'".  He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without hesitation, she gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.  The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Montreal."

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.  A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.  Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right!  Okay, I'll keep to my end of the deal.  Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.  When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you.  If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

Why Blondes Can't Have Acupuncture

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?

A: By psychologically breaking down her confidence with a rigorous behaviour modification schedule, alternating between sensory deprivation and sensory overload, thereby breaking down her conception of self, leaving her unable to resist outside suggestion (just like anybody else).

She Was So Blonde That...

	She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
	She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
	She thought a quarterback was a refund.
	Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
	At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here" she put "Sagittarius".
	It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
	If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
	She sold the car for gas money.

A blonde calls the police to report that thieves have been in her car.  She tells them, "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!"  But before the police can start investigating it, the phone rings again.  It's the blonde - tells the police, "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning.  The wife (a blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."

Blonde's Car

It is great to be a blonde.  With low expectations it's very easy to surprise people.

- Pamela Anderson
 

Curiously, not all blonde jokes show them as dumb...

Interesting Blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.  She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.  The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.  The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.  The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.  The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.  The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

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