You're Joking!


Lynde Me Your Ear

Life does not require us to be consistent, cruel, patient, helpful, angry, rational, thoughtless, loving, rash, open-minded,
neurotic, careful, rigid, tolerant, wasteful, rich, downtrodden, gentle, sick, considerate,
funny, stupid, healthy, greedy, beautiful, lazy, responsive, foolish, sharing, pressured,
intimate, hedonistic, industrious, manipulative, insightful, capricious, wise, selfish, kind or sacrificed.
Life does, however, require us to live with the consequences of our choices.

- Richard Bach

Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.

Paul Lynde didn't just say dirty things on The Hollywood Squares, he said kinky things.  And bitchy things.  In the real world he'd be the kind of person you'd invite to a party full of boring people, just because you knew he'd say something outrageous and liven things up.

Lynde was born in July 1926 in Mount Vernon, Ohio.  He established himself in stage productions like New Faces and Bye Bye Birdie (a memorable part he re-created on film), and in roles in such movies as The Glass Bottom Boat, Send Me No Flowers, and as an Indian chief in The Villain, a Kirk Douglas 1979 experiment in comedy.  On television he appeared in The Red Buttons Show, The Perry Como Show, The Paul Lynde Show, and Temperature's Rising, and made memorable guest shots on shows like I Dream of Jeannie and The Munsters.  But on television he'll always be remembered for two things: the practical-joking wiseacre warlock, Uncle Arthur, on Bewitched - and of course, the centre square, where he christened and launched thousands of sassy little barbs.

Off camera, his career took a melancholy turn when a drunken friend fell to his death from a high rise window in 1965 (Lynde tried to save him), and when Lynde developed a drinking problem that gave him a nasty disposition.  Although Lynde appeared on the show for years and years, he did not appear on either the first or last NBC broadcasts.  Lynde first appeared on the show's second week (24-28 October 1966) and and joined full-time in the fall of 1968.  He left the show in the spring of 1979, supposedly leaving to pursue more film roles but reportedly fired over a drinking problem, but came back for the one Las Vegas season in 1980-81.  During that one season he had equal billing with Peter Marshall, much the same way Whoopi Goldberg now has with Tom Bergeron.  And oh yes, to answer the question most often asked about Lynde - as Joe Florenski, who has a wonderful site devoted to Paul, best sums it up, "He's as gay as Christmas."  Lynde died of a heart attack (under bizarre circumstances - too many "poppers") in January 1982 in Beverly Hills.

Peter Marshall: According to the famous quote by Alexander Pope, a little what is a dangerous thing?
Paul Lynde: A little pervert.

Peter Marshall: The great writer George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "It's such a wonderful thing, what a crime to waste it on children."  What is it?
Paul Lynde: A whipping.

Peter Marshall: According to Ben Franklin, in Poor Richard's Almanac, "He that falls in love with himself will have no..."  No what?
Paul Lynde: Children.

Peter Marshall: According to the great poem by Edgar Allan Poe, "We loved with a love that was more than love, I and my..."  I and my what?
Paul Lynde: Gym teacher.

Peter Marshall: It was Aristotle who once said that even the bitterest of enemies can be united by a common...  A common what?
Paul Lynde: Infection.

Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?!

Peter Marshall: Will a goose help warn you if there's an intruder on your property?
Paul Lynde: There's no better way!

Peter Marshall: In "Alice in Wonderland", who kept crying "I'm late, I'm late?"
Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..."  What?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?
Paul Lynde: They're too cold!

Peter Marshall: What is a pullet?
Paul Lynde: A little show of affection...

Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn't true.  What?
Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence...

Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White...  Was she a blonde or a brunette?
Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure...

Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man.  What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "good will mission," but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at.  Where did this take place?
Paul Lynde: Pat's room.

Peter Marshall: True or false, cow's horns are used to make ice cream.
Paul Lynde: You mean those weren't chocolate chips?

Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies - but I don't recommend the cookies!

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: True or false: research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...

Peter Marshall: Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?
Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...

Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on...

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.  One is politics.  What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false: the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.
Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels...

Peter Marshall: It used to be called "9-pin."  What's it called today?
Paul Lynde: Foreplay!

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail.  What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse?
Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka.

Peter Marshall: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..."  And what?
Paul Lynde: They are cute.

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?
Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.

Peter Marshall: In one state, you can deduct $5 from a traffic ticket if you show the officer...  What?
Paul Lynde: A ten dollar bill.

Peter Marshall: Experts say you should avoid sex immediately after - what?
Paul Lynde: Surgery.

Peter Marshall: It's well known that small amounts of female hormones are found in the male body.  Are male hormones ever found in the female body?
Paul Lynde: Occasionally.

Peter Marshall: In the Wizard of Oz, the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart.  What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.

Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it "our great hope in a confusing and ever-changing world."  What is it?
Paul Lynde: Pampers.

Peter Marshall: What should you do if you're going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out?
Paul Lynde: Honk if you love Jesus.

Peter Marshall: We've all heard the old phrase "A pig in a poke."  What is a poke?
Paul Lynde: It's when you're not really in love.

Peter Marshall: Paul, this is for $1200 and the championship.  Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers.  Now listen carefully...  "We work together, we pray together and we're darn good..."  What?
Paul Lynde: In the saddle.

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: What did James Watt invent after fooling around with his wife's tea kettle?
Paul Lynde: James Watt Jr.

Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals.  What is the Great White?
Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: Fred Astaire says, his mother has been trying to get him to do this since he was 35.  But he hasn't done it and says he won't do it until he's ready.  Do what?
Paul Lynde: Move out of the house!

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor calls it "the Big One."  What is it?
Paul Lynde: They both look the same to me!

Peter Marshall: Sophia Loren recently revealed that when she was a child she never played with something.  What?
Paul Lynde: Oh, the L A Rams.

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul.  If you have one it's a moose.  If you have two, it's a....?
Paul Lynde: It's a mess!

Peter Marshall: Henry Kissinger was recently quoted as saying,"They aren't even sexy!"  Who was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: The Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Peter Marshall: A photograph of Queen Elizabeth had her stepping onto the shores of Bangkok, onto a carpet made of what?
Paul Lynde: 40% dacron.

Peter Marshall: Paul. a recent navy picture had Admiral Zumwalt kissing Admiral Duirk.  Why?
Paul Lynde: Too long at sea!

Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the classic movie Frankenstein, Dr Frankenstein was supposed to do something important the day the monster killed him.  What?
Paul Lynde: I think a tonsillectomy.

Peter Marshall: True or false?  George Jessel has a 9 year old daughter.
Paul Lynde: False.  It's his girlfriend.

Peter Marshall: Paul, is there such a thing as a female rooster?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, they're the ones who just go "a-doodle-doo!"

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung.  Why?
Paul Lynde: Heredity!

Peter Marshall: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Paul Lynde: Smuggling!

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false: studies show that women in their 60s have a more intense craving for physical romance than when they were in their 40s...
Paul Lynde: Well, that's tough!

Peter Marshall: True or false: there are more psychiatrists in Beverly Hills than plumbers.
Paul Lynde: When my toilet's backed up, I don't care who fixes it!

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul: during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo!

Peter Marshall: Sophia Loren has written a cookbook which will be published this spring entitled, Cooking With_______.  Cooking with what?
Paul Lynde: A three-foot-long spoon.

Peter Marshall: The Atlantic Ocean is the major body of water on Africa's west coast.  What body lies off Africa's east coast?
Paul Lynde: Ex-president Mobutu.

Peter Marshall: Glen Campbell recently stated, "Love to me is something you ..."  Something you what?
Paul Lynde: Purchase.

Peter Marshall: Besides a baton, what did Xavier Cugat always have in his hand when he lead his orchestra?
Paul Lynde: Arthritis.

Peter Marshall: Can chewing gum help prevent a child from catching a cold?
Paul Lynde: No, but it'll plug a runny nose.

Peter Marshall: A soap opera in Australia called Number 96 offers audiences something that no American soap opera has.  What?
Paul Lynde: An unfaithful kangaroo.

Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor recently stated, "It wasn?t easy."  And hubby Richard Burton added, "But we both sleep much better."  They were both talking about the same thing.  What?
Paul Lynde: Separate bedrooms.

Peter Marshall: After Phyllis Diller's recent facelift, she received thousands of letters, mostly asking three questions: Did it hurt?  How much did it cost?  And one other...  What?
Paul Lynde: Can your eyes close when you sit down?

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for them both."  Who or what was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.

Peter Marshall: True or false: Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5million worth of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone.
Paul Lynde: And it didn't cure her headache.

Peter Marshall: In the movies, who gave the advice, "Whistle while you work"?
Paul Lynde: It was either Paul Winchell or Linda Lovelace.

Peter Marshall: According to Johnny Carson's ex-wife Joanne, after the divorce, he sent her a copy of a best-selling book.  Which one?
Paul Lynde: Shaft!

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false: the University of Nebraska was recently given $185,000 for an extensive study of the prune.
Paul Lynde: There goes $185,000 down the drain.

Peter Marshall: There's tennis elbow, there's jogger's knee, and there's swimmer's _____.  Swimmer's what?
Paul Lynde: All I can think of is trunks!

Peter Marshall: According to the old song, "At night, when you're asleep, into your tent I'll creep."  Who am I?
Paul Lynde: The scoutmaster!

Peter Marshall: Paul, who was famous for saying, "On King, on huskies"?
Paul Lynde: Queen Mary.

Source: Mostly from

I Wish

Two intoxicated men were thrown out of a bar.  While walking down the street, they came across a dog, sitting on the curb, licking its privates.  The men stand there watching, and after awhile one says, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."  The other man looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."


There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.  There where only three survivors - two men and a woman.  They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.  After several years of casual sex, all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing.  She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.  It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it.  After awhile, nature once more took its inevitable course.  A few more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.  So, they buried her.


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