It has always surprised me how little attention philosophers have paid to humour,
since it is a more significant process of mind than reason.
Reason can only sort out perceptions, but the humour process is involved in changing them.

- Edward de Bono
 

Source: Funny Times January 2001

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Saeed al Sahaf (Iraqi Head of Information) - The chicken did not cross the road.  This is a complete fabrication.  We do not even have a chicken.

George W Bush - We don't care why the chicken crossed the road.  We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.  The chicken is either for us or against us.  There is no middle ground.

Colin Powell - Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Tony Blair - I agree with George.

Hans Blix - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

Dr Seuss - Did the chicken cross the road?
                 Did he cross to his abode?
                 Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
                 but why he crossed it was not toad.

Martin Luther King Jr - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Ronald Reagan - What's a chicken?

Sigmund Freud - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates - eChicken2010 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book - and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010.

Albert Einstein - Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

The Bible - And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD.  And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders - Oh, did I miss one?

A Recent Wedding that Took Place at Clemson University:

After graduation, two students had a huge wedding with about 300 guests.  At the reception following the wedding, the groom went to the microphone on stage to talk to the crowd.  He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.  He especially wanted to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.  To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.

So, taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair was a manila envelope.  He said that this was his gift to everyone and said to open the envelopes.  Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride.  He had gotten suspicious of the two and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.  After he stood and watched people’s reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned to the bride and said "F--- you," and then turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said "I’m outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing the following Monday morning.

While most people would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this man went through with it as if nothing was wrong.  His revenge: he made the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for the wedding and reception.  He was able to let everyone know exactly what did happen.  And best of all, he trashed the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of friends and family.

Payback

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly 40 years.  The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.  The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.  Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning.  Herman told her that he couldn't help it.  She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but he wouldn't hear of it.  He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.  She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.  Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast.  She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.  While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.  With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.  While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts.  She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting.  This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.  Martha could not control herself; her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing.  After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About 20 minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes.  She bit her lip to keep from laughing and asked him what was the matter.

"Honey," he said, "you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked Martha.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened!  But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

Imitation Deep Thought

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

	When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.  Age 5
	I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry.  I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake.  As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.  Once there was a big fire and everyone died.  Age 13
	I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.  Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff.  (Dog people sure don't have a sense of humour.)  Age 14
	I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?  Age 15
	Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"  Age 15
	It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen.  Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.  Age 8
	As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.  Age 7
	Home is where the house is.  Age 6
	Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.  That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.  Age 15
	Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.  Age 13
	The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants.  Age 15
	The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"  Age 15
	Once, I wept for I had no shoes.  Then I came upon a man who had no feet.  So I took his shoes.  Age 15
	If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualise world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.  Age 15
	I used to have a cat.  One day I drove him to the vet for a checkup.  On the way there I noticed that my engine had a strange squeak.  When I arrived at the vet, though, I noticed that the cat-carrier was empty.
	Sometimes I wonder if Universe is infinite, and if Einstein were still alive if he would have found answer to time travel, and what if Prime Numbers could be evenly divided by Pi, and whether or not there is way to feed all the starving children of the world.  By this time I usually ask my boyfriend if he is finished yet.

Source: ariannaonline.com 29 November 2004

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