Crummy Breaks


I Loved My Lap Dog

His was a landscape of amiable codgers, nurturing moms, adorable dogs, callow soldiers with hearts of gold - grown-up Boy Scouts all.

- Arthur C Danto

Source: possibly The Dallas Morning News probably sometime in the 1970s

Circumstantial Evidence

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.  In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.  "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened.  I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.  "Just answer the question.  Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road..."

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.  Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.  I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.  I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.  I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.  Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.  Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.  He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.  How are you feeling?"

My Blind Dates

A doberman and owner sit together at the annual Crufts Dog Show, at the National Exhibition
Centre in Birmingham, England, 9 March 2006.  More than 24,000 dogs from 32 countries gathered
for the event, which is in its 115th year and attracts tens of thousands of visitors over 4 days
of competition, culminating in the prestigious Best in Show contest.  (Photo/Rui Vieira-pa)

Wonder Dog

Some race horses staying in a stable.  One of them starts to boast about his track record.  "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.  "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed.  "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence.  "A talking dog."

Self-Portrait  Hollywood Frame Gallery 2427 Bissonnet • Houston, TX 77005
713.942.8885 • 1.866.942.8885 Toll Free
See also for a bio of artist Jim Tweedy and more of his work

It's a Jungle Out There

Source: by talented artist Matt Gale; contact him at

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