Why Did She Do It
The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is As Necessary As Love and Sex
Never waste jealousy on a real man: it is the imaginary man that supplants us all in the long run.
- George Bernard Shaw
by David M Buss, Free Press 260 pp US$25 reviewed by Lee Alan Dugatkin
"Jealousy did not arise from capitalism, patriarchy, culture, socialisation, media, character defects or neurosis," the author of this book contends. Rather, it is "an adaptive emotion, forged over millions of years," one inexorably connected with long-term love.
Why do men have affairs?
Why do women have affairs, risking abandonment and sometimes violence? Buss suggests some combination of five factors, each of which will probably offend some portion of his readership:
The theories are provocative and plausible, but, as Buss acknowledges, the data are weak or nonexistent (anecdotal and/or rational). In his view, jealousy - unlike some adaptive behaviours rooted in the hunter-gatherer era - remains a positive force in the modern age. "Properly used," he writes, "jealousy can enrich relationships, spark passion, and amplify commitment.
Of course, improperly used, it can bring about pain, violence, and, in extreme cases, death for one or more of the parties involved.
Should You Forgive and Forget?
by Patty Lamberti
We all know that half of all marriages end in divorce. Here's a lesser known fact - 70% of all married men and 60% of all married women have had at least one affair. There's no statistic on how many of these affairs actually caused a divorce. But one thing is for sure - a couple, whether married or unmarried, can recover from an affair. The question most people face after discovering an affair is "Do I want to forgive my partner or should I head for the door?" Here's a series of questions to help you decide whether or not you should forgive and forget:
If you answered yes to all or most of these questions, then give it a shot. If you answered no, the spirit to fight just isn't in your heart. Say goodbye to your partner and start afresh. Whichever decision you make, feel good about it.
Source: channels.netscape.com 11 July 2002 © Fun Online Corporation
by Linwood Slayton
infidelity: noun; 1. lack of belief in a religion; 2.a. unfaithfulness to a moral obligation: disloyalty; b. marital unfaithfulness or an instance of it.
Are you a woman who shares secrets with a male friend? Are you the kind of man who reviews his weekend plans with a female co-worker? Or do you go out for drinks with a colleague of the opposite sex? If you are married and answer yes to any of these questions, then therapist M Gary Neuman has a word to describe your behaviour: "Unfaithful."
Gary Neuman, a Miami Beach, Florida psychologist, has written a book entitled Emotional Infidelity. He says that friendships between members of the opposite sex can harm marriages. It is suggested that a friendship between members of the opposite sex must have 3 traits to be an infidelity:
The Internet has become a prime vehicle for fostering emotional infidelity in that it allows men and women to have emotional entanglements without physical contact - people who can share their most intimate feelings and desires facelessly but who, at the same time, are denying their spouses and/or partners the same intimacies.
It is usually the emotional intimacy that develops in affairs that devastates marriages, not the fact that one partner has had sex with another. Whether that develops over the internet on from direct contact doesn't seem to matter.
In Internet liaisons, at least two of the three stated criterion are present: emotional intimacy and secrecy. It seems that the real damage to marriages and committed relationships lies in the fact that the mate is not getting the level of intimacy that the "friend" is receiving. That can be a difficult pill to swallow.
Does this suggest that couples should not have friends of the opposite sex outside of the marriage? Not necessarily. However, one should examine the true motivation and attraction that for an opposite sex friend. The element of secrecy is a significant potential problem. Does your mate know how close you are to your opposite sex friend(s)? Do you share personal information about your life at home with him/her? Should you?
Friendships become a problem when there's some attraction involved. If you sense that chemistry - that's when it's time to put the walls up and avoid social situations that 'create more of a male-female situation'."
Words and denials notwithstanding, everyone knows when they feel that "something" for someone with whom they regularly interact. Similarly, most people know and sense it when the "friend" feels more than just a platonic kinship.
There is nothing inherently wrong with being in a relationship and maintaining old friendships with tried and true old friends of both sexes. The danger lies in those relationships that have been allowed to flourish and evolve and in which there is attraction present and a felt need to be secretive about the existence and intensity of the relationship. Clearly, these are the relationships which are exclusive of one's mate and about which the mate also has a sense of uneasiness.
Linwood Slayton may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
Source: pages.zdnet.com 11 March 2002 The Woodshed Vol 3 Number 10
Scruples Survey Finds Modern Women Are Liars
A survey looking at British morals has found that modern women lie, flatter and have affairs. The National Scruples and Lies Survey found:
The research, commissioned by That's Life! women's weekly magazine, says changes in traditional moral behaviour in the past 40 years have left women "totally confused". The survey questioned 5,000 women with an average age of 38.
Women are also suspicious about their partners:
When asked what they would do for £1 million
Source: ananova.com Thursday 4 December 2003
Most Women Admit They Are Suspicious By Nature
by Sarah Womack
Nearly one woman in two has searched her husband's pockets or read his mobile telephone messages without his knowledge, according to a survey published today. In the same way as Emma Thompson in Love Actually rifles through a jacket belonging to her husband, played by Alan Rickman, and discovers his looming infidelity, women admit they are suspicious by nature. But if they had an affair and became pregnant 73% would not tell their husband that the baby was someone else's.
A poll of 5,000 women, entitled the National Scruples and Lies Survey, claims that most women have "warped morals". Ironically, the more women lie, the more suspicious they become of their partner, it says. Nearly 1/3 of women say if they wanted a baby and their partner did not, they would lie about using contraception. A fifth have checked her husband or partner's emails and one in 10 has even followed him to find out what he is doing. Only a quarter of women think that their husband or partner has done the same.
The survey was commissioned by That's Life magazine. The average age of the women polled was 38. 70% of women admit that they get drunk at the office Christmas party, with a quarter flirting with their boss.
Sarah Womack is the Telegraph's Social Affairs Correspondent
Source: telegraph.co.uk 4 December 2003 © Telegraph Group Limited
Romantic Problems in Cyberspace
A Jordanian man divorced his wife after discovering that she was also his virtual girlfriend. Bakr Melhem had been flirting with a women on an internet chat room for several months. But, when they finally met up at a bus station, in Zarqa near Amman, he recognised her as his wife Sanaa. Bakr Melhem immediately shouted the Arabic words for 'I divorce thee' three times.
The husband had assumed the online identity of Adnan, while his wife had described herself as an unmarried Muslim lady called Jamila whose cultural interests included reading. Jordanian news agency Petra reports when the man uttered the Islamic words, effectively ending the marriage, the woman responded by calling him "a liar" before she fainted.
Source: ananova.com Tuesday 8 February 2005
For articles on affair motivators, changing relationships, do-it-yourself psychotherapy, lies, insincerity, social graces, cosmetic surgery, roots of culture, self-deception, love,
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