The Funny Side of Rugby
Home of the Brave
Rigby is a beastly game played by gentlemen; soccer is a gentleman's game played by beasts; football is a beastly game played by beasts.
- Henry Blaha
Life is a game with many rules but no referee.
- Joseph Brodsky
A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If the ref could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.
"Well," said the ref, "I was reffing a game between Northern Transvaal and Natal at Loftus Versveld. Northerns were 2 points ahead, 1 minute to go. The Natal wing made a break, passed inside to his lock. The lock was driven on by his forwards, passed out to the flanker who ducked blind and went over in the corner. However, the flanker dropped the ball before he could ground it, and as Natal were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had dropped the ball down, not forward, and awarded the try."
"OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book," says Peter, and disappears to look it up. When he comes back he says, "Sorry, there is no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?"
The ref looked at his watch and replied "45 seconds ago."
An Australian player went to the doctor and said: "I've just been playing rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, arms, head, tummy - everywhere - it really hurt."
The doctor replied: "You've broken your finger."
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and an Australian rugby fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the Australian fan - twice.
Q. What do you call 15 guys sitting around the tv watching the Rugby World Cup final?
A. The All Blacks
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
"I say 'no worries' all the time. Does that mean I'm an Aussie??"
"There's a simple test to find out... Just ask yourself the following question - when someone mentions 'New Zealand Lamb', what do you want to do to it?"
"Ha ha, throw it in an oven, mate, with loads of potatoes."
Three rugby fans were on their way to a game when one fan noticed a foot protruding from a clump of bushes on the side of the road. They all stopped and discovered it was a nude female, dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Springbok fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The All-Black fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Australian fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the springbok cap, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the All-Black cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it, lifted it replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time.
The Australian fan was getting upset and finally asked," what are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking lifting and looking?"
Well," said the officer," I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under an Australian hat, I find an @rsehole!"
Eddie Jones takes the Wallabies out for training and tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting, on the 7th day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to an isolated land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God, "that's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humourous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable, strong-in-character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the b*ggers I'm putting next to them!"
A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is... its Kylie Minogue!
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything."
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"And my trousers?"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy."
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts: "Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging!!"
************ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED - or Australian - DO NOT READ ON ************
An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks, "Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?" The man replies, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"
Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and the husband says, "Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg indulging in "self-abuse" on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says to the manager, "Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, recurrence of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?"
The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one leg to catch his own kangaroo?"
What's on a Football Player's Mind?
A football coach has to be smart enough to understand the game but dumb enough to think it's important.
- Eugene McCarthy
It Depends on Where He's from!
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